Morbidity (or) The Uselessness of "If there is anything I can do..."

This time of year I think about my mom, who died three years ago this month. Now that there's finally snow on the ground, it feels like December. Also, an older friend of the family passed away last week after a long illness, so my mind is on death this morning. I have a whole rant about how that isn't a bad thing, and how messed up our society's relationship is with death. But today, I'll just offer a reflection. It comes as a word of advice to people who know someone who is dealing with grief: Stop asking questions. Trust me, we are asking enough questions as it is, and while we appreciate your offers of help, we don't want to deal with more questions. Don't ask if someone wants you to make them dinner, just do it. Don't ask if someone wants company, just come over. If they don't want you there, you'll be able to tell. If they don't, don't ask if you should leave, just do it. While I really believe that everyone who offered to do things for me when my mom died meant well, I didn't know what I needed, and I didn't feel comfortable saying "actually, if you could make me a nice casserole that would be great, thanks." And I don't mean to be offensive, but if you just offer and never do anything, while it may be making you feel better, it doesn't help the person grieving. Yes, knowing that people are around is nice. Offers of support are touching and helpful. But only to a point. A brutal assessment, perhaps, but that was certainly my personal experience. So if you know someone dealing with a loss, just bake them cookies. Buy them a copy of Cosmo. Show up at their door with a box of tissues. And above all, listen to what they AREN'T saying. Just because a person died doesn't change the fact that your friend is still your friend. Presumably you know your friend. Just be sensitive and proactive. It's honestly not that hard, I promise.