On Cowbells

I play Rock Band. A lot. It's fun, I enjoy it, it's a good way to see my friends, and on some level, I feel as though it engages musical parts of my mind in a similar way to practicing. Yes, it's clearly not practicing. But even though it may be a different system of notation, my mind is still thinking about music, how notes relate to time, how notes relate to each other, and how notes relate to which fingers move at any given time. I figure it's a better way to spend my free time than 1) knitting (don't hurt me, I still love knitting!) which at this point just makes my hands cramp up so it hurts to play cello later, 2) thwapping my head against the enormous stack of reading I have to do every week, or 3) sitting at my computer waiting for the internet to entertain me. It is NOT a better use of my time than 1) sleeping, 2) reading non-school related books, or 3) going to the gym. Sadly, it does tend to take the place of the latter three, although, as in all things, I am currently working on balance. Speaking of balance, a friend today asked me, "if you could be anywhere, doing anything you wanted (and get paid for it so you didn't have to worry about money), where would it be, and what would you do?" I have no real answer for this question, and I never have. I think that's clearly part of the problem with my life. I don't want to be somewhere, I want to be somewhen. And that's not really a healthy way to live one's life, I suppose. But frankly, there have been times in my life when I have been the happiest I feel I'll ever be, and it's hard to look to an unknown future, when the known past is pleasantly behind you. I'm here at school, and it's busy as hell, and it's driving me bat shit insane, but I don't hate it here. I love what I'm learning, and love the music I'm playing (though not how poorly I'm playing it, but that's another blog post). I'd like to be able to worry about money less, but on the whole, being in Boston is OK. I can't think of anything at the moment I'd rather be doing, other than maybe spreading this program out over a slightly longer period of time for my own sanity. But at the same time, I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere. It's a strange thing, to be simultaneously content with where one is, yet still wish one were elsewhere. Or elsewhen. (Don't Fear) The Reaper is one of the good songs on Rock Band, although it has of course been colored for better or worse in later years by Christopher Walken et al. A response to Stiney's status message ("MORE COWBELL!!") led, through simultaneous discussion with three different people, to "less cowbell," "static cowbell?" "frantic cowbell?" and finally to the idea of "frantic stasis" which I feel sums of my life uncomfortably well. Frantic, but static. Hm. Characteristically, my conversation with Stiney went thusly:Stiney: Frantic, static, make up your mind!me: frantically staticStiney: You need more cowbellme: i like the idea of frantic stasisStiney: o o o o o o o o o o ome: i think that sums up my existence at the momentStiney: There, those are your cowbells, hit them!

Maybe the solution really is that simple. Just hit the cowbells.

Is This What It's Like to Be a Double Degree Student? (or) Mental Health Day

I am beginning to have serious doubts about being able to complete my program as it is currently designed. I am becoming a second rate cellist and a second rate musicologist, all at once! I don't feel as though I have the time to devote to either one properly, and it leaves me feeling frazzled and useless pretty much all the time. I am going to have to skip a seminar tomorrow morning because I just don't have time to do the work. I have the 100+ pages of reading as per usual, plus this week I have a presentation on a book I haven't read yet. I had a paper due on Friday which got done without too much angst, but I wasn't able to do any work for this coming week because of it. I'm also working on another, non-school related project at the moment, and it's getting to the point where I really need to spend the time on it that I committed myself to spending when I agreed to help. But I already feel like my days are full of other things, and it's hard to even contemplate fitting in one more thing. It doesn't help that my friends all work, and are free and easy in the evenings. I used to be like that too, and it's hard for me to keep in mind that while I want to do things when they plan them, I really just need to work constantly these days. It's not their fault, but I feel anti-social when I don't do things with them. I managed the going to bed earlier change, so this week I'll be doing the working like a fiend change. Since I'm skipping class like a slacker tomorrow morning, I am at least going to get up early and work all day. I should be able to catch up some. It reminds me of when I was in 4^th or 5^th grade and I got so behind on my work all the time. We were supposed to do it during the school day, but I knew I could do it at home later, so I spent the day talking to my friends and then doing homework later. It was a good plan, but I never got all my work done. Occasionally, my dad would let me take what he called “mental health days” which were days when I didn't go to school at all, but he and I would go to the library and I would get caught up on my work. I guess some of that mentality of taking time for the social and working harder to make up for it later still applies, and I don't think it's such a bad thing since my friends are at least as important to me as school. But unfortunately, in grad school there's no such thing as “taking a day off of school” to get caught up, since I only have 7.5 hours of class a week anyway. Tomorrow will be my mental health day. We'll see if it works.

Snow (or) Things I Don't Complain About for a Change

I complain a lot. So here is a non-complaining post.

Some things I love that I thought about on the way home:

-The way dry snow feels when you step on it and when it breaks over the top of your food as you kick through it.

-Papers that turn out OK and make you think you might not actually be wasting your life after all.

-The way that shadows on snow look blue under streetlights at twilight.

-When a friend shows up right when you need him, and does exactly what you need him to do, even though neither of you knew that was what you needed.

-The way things get so quiet in the snow that you can hear individual pellets hit separate rhododendron leaves on their way down.

-The smell of hot sesame oil before you put anything in it.

-Friends (not in sesame oil though).

#1 of ?

I have quite a few things to post here, since pesky school keeps getting in the way of blogging. First, I have declared the Bedtime Experiment both a success and over. I managed better than I thought, and it hasn't been very hard to keep it up despite not posting anymore. Hooray! Thanks for your help, even if it was tacit. (End of Blogging Break #1, back to paper)

Poetic Spam (or) A Mini-Post

Some of you will know that I enjoy getting spam that consists of strings of words. They resemble poetry in their own right, and were entertaining long before this existed. I got a nice one this morning, so here's part of it.

tipping is not necessary in this kind-of-like-this.
His blue suit and straw hat, please
For the failure of her ball, but lamented the it,
for she winds one round her finger as softly.

I figured when I started the blog that people would wonder why I called it what I did and look it up. I'm not sure anyone actually has, so I figured I'd post the poem here for the benefit of lazy/unconcerned persons.

in time of daffodils(who know the goal of living is to grow) forgetting why,remember how in time of lilacs who proclaim the aim of waking is to dream, remember so(forgetting seem) in time of roses(who amaze our now and here with paradise) forgetting if,remember yes in time of all sweet things beyond whatever mind may comprehend, remember seek(forgetting find) and in a mystery to be (when time from time shall set us free) forgetting me,remember me e e cummings

GRAR! (or) A Mini-Rant

Things that are driving me crazy today:

1) Misplaced my T-pass. I hope it will come back to me. If not, at least it's already the middle of a short month so I won't lose quite as much money as I did in October when I lost it at the beginning of the month.

2) Student accounts site still says I owe $1048, still no stipend checks. Still no word from my adviser re: money issues I posted about last week.

3) The fact that #2 is unsurprising and expected gets its own number.

4) Intimately connected to #3, am completely fed up with other people's short comings. Professor R, who drove me crazy last semester by expecting us to read his mind and learn everything about Bach with very little guidance, and who sent an 80 page reading list two days before class, still has not sent the reading list for next class. This despite his having told us he already had the list by the previous class, as list was provided to him by another professor. Prof R is the same professor who only just scheduled the single rehearsal for his lecture/concert next Tuesday, during a time when Roomate told him she was unavailable. He proceeded to inform her it was "unacceptable" that she didn't tell him she had a class then. Then they both found out that there IS no class on Monday, but moot points don't eliminate the flakiness of Prof R.
(Edit: Helpful classmate just reminded me that no class on Monday means no class on Tuesday either. BU goes insane sometimes and Tuesday becomes Monday. So list has a week more to appear. Feel a little silly about email just sent to Prof R asking for list, but again, moot points do not negate flakiness!)

5) Agreed to play Bach suites at church on Sunday morning, turns out I can't play the cello any more. Unfortunate development for cello major.

Just for the record, am being v. magnanimous and generous concerning rampant roses and wearing of pink today.

That is all.

On the bright side, last night was:
Goal time: 12:00m
Actual time: 12:03a (would have been 12:00, but had to greet newly returned Roomate)
Oops minutes: 3, but extenuating circumstances